Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
