I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize