a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
