he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize