i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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