How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
