I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
