i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize