saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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