i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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