Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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