you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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