my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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