could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
