high people should be assigned attendants
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
