dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
