I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
