I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
