If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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