I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
