My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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