I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
