cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
