she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
