Betty ford says i'm here all night
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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