Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
