A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
