Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
