so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize