I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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