forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We're too hungover to prance.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
