He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize