So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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