I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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