After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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