Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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