Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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