Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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