i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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