even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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