I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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