I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
