I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
