Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
