BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
