I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
