I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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