you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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