Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
