Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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