Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
