There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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