I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
