Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
