I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
