I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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