was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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