ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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