Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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