Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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