I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
