i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
