i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
