No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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