I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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