I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
