Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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