It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
