woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
