the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need water and some morals
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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