How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
