when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize