He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
